A Real Choice

I recently came across a slam poetry assignment I had done in the 7th grade, and it made me realize just how much my attitude and perspective have changed surrounding being a military kid and everything that comes with that. 

Here I am standing still

Under this summer sun I still feel a chill

Here we go again

Goodbye goodbye

See you soon or never again

Friends I have made over and over again

One at a time they fade from memory over and over again

Whoosh whoosh whoosh

Across the sea and back again

Back again again again

Boxes here and boxes there

Where are my things, where is everything

It's like starting over again and again

Clearing another slate that is blank again

Friends, house, school, changing over and over and over again

But the reason everything changes never does

Thank you, Navy

You make my environment change again and again

But I like it more and more every time and time again. 

As I said, I wrote this in 7th grade. It was during the spring of 2021, right after the peak of COVID. That summer I had moved from San Diego to Pittsburgh, and by far that was the roughest move out of the nine I’ve done. I felt like I was ripped from friends and familiarity, and I guess I was, but this was the only time it felt hard to leave, and I really didn't want to move. 

The move itself wasn't great either. We chose to drive rather than fly, and that took a week in a jam-packed car in the middle of July in the heat after not getting to say a true goodbye to hardly anyone. To make matters worse, we could barely stop anywhere because of COVID restrictions, and so much was closed. When we got our stuff moved into the new house, a lot was broken, and it was so rushed to get everything out of the boxes and the boxes out of the house. I didn't get to fully take the time I wanted to get everything back in its new place. It took over a year and a half for me to feel settled and unpacked.

By then I had made some amazing friends who cared about me and wanted to get to know me more than just on the surface and found a part of myself I didn't realize I was missing. Pittsburgh had become one of my family’s favorite duty stations, and it was the first time somewhere actually felt like home rather than a place we were living. Of course, then 3 years later, that time rolls around again. This time we moved to Singapore, again. To our other favorite duty station. I got to go to the same school with some of the same people, and eventually I got to graduate there. In fact, when we found out we were going to go back, the first thing I said was that I finally know where I’m going to graduate high school. Before then it had always been a mystery.

That last line in the poem, when I wrote it, I was sarcastic and meant the complete opposite, but now I truly mean what I wrote. I’ve realized and fully come to terms that had I had a different, stationary, “civie” or civillian life growing up, I would have bloomed and blossomed into a completely different person thanks to the schools, friends, and experiences I've had or made along the way. Yes, change is difficult, but I don't dread and despise it as much as I used to.

Being given the chance to live in new places every few years and exploring new cultures and parts of myself is something I'm so grateful for. Going to college this fall is my first real choice in where I go, and I got to pick exactly where and why instead of just hoping my number one choice is where we end up. And that choice and agency is now consistent. I get to choose how long I stay somewhere or if I never leave. I'm going to go to college in a previous duty station and am ecstatic to get to choose to return to a favorite place of mine without it being forced. Instead, it's entirely my choice. My first real choice.