The Battles I've Fought

This article was sent to us by McKenna P., a college freshman at the University of Providence in Great Falls, Montana. Do you have a story to share with your fellow military teens? Visit our guest contribution page to find out how you can submit to Bloom!

McKenna with her dad and younger brother in 2013.

I hate this. I hate being the new girl. Why did my dad have to join the military? I wish I could just live in one place. Nobody is going to like me. I always have to leave. I don't want to leave my friends. I'm tired of starting over. I don't want to start over, again.

But before I felt those emotions, I was the happiest I’d ever been in England. My family moved there during my fourth grade. I finally felt like I was home. I made a great group of friends and the greatest best friend, Aubrey.

Aubrey is my first best friend, and I am hers. She is also a military child, and with being picked up and moved wherever the military tells us to go, it can be hard to make friends. I met her in fifth grade at our intermediate school on the military base. We had different teachers but met at recess. From that moment on, we were inseparable. She is my chosen sister. I don’t know what I would do without her.

In the three years I lived in England, I experienced so much. My family travelled all over the country. We have been to France, Italy, Spain, Germany, and Austria, just to name a few. The trips I enjoyed the most were the ones at the beach. Greece and Mallorca, Spain, were incredible. We stayed all-inclusive hotels, so I could eat as much ice cream as I wanted. We also visited some gorgeous places in England, like the White Cliffs of Dover. Aubrey and I went on a really fun trip with our families to the coast of England, where we rode rollercoasters at an amusement park. Despite it being cold and windy, we still walked on the beach and admired the ocean after the rides.

While living in England, we adopted a Red Fox Labrador puppy. We named her Abbey after the charming English cathedrals and churches from the 16th century. She was the sweetest when she wasn’t in tornado mode, destroying the house and eating all of our socks. We took her to puppy classes and trained her so she stopped doing that. Aubrey and I liked to make silly videos and post them online of us dancing with her.

My family got very close while living in England. My dad worked long hours, but we always found time to travel. Through all of the moves and uncertainty that comes with military life, family was a constant. We went through everything together. Moving to new places, leaving homes behind, and saying goodbye to extended family. It was never easy, but we got through it together.

One day halfway through seventh grade, I had just made it home from Aubrey’s house after a long school day. We did some homework and watched a movie, like we usually did. I greeted my mom and headed to my room to get changed for bed. I asked my mom “When will dad be home tonight?” so that I could stay up and tell him goodnight.

As if being summoned, the phone rang. This wasn’t irregular; my parents talked on the phone often. What was irregular, though, was that he was asking to be put on speakerphone. I said hello to my dad, and he asked me to grab my younger brother, Kaden, from his room. I had a feeling of what was coming next. “I have exciting news!” my dad said enthusiastically. I knew it. I could hear the next words before they even left his mouth. Words I had heard many times before: “We are moving, family!”

In that moment, my world fell apart. Everything I loved about my life was about to be ripped away. I had never felt this way before. I didn’t know until then that you could grieve people who were still alive. I excused myself, went into my room, and locked the door. I cried quietly, trying to sort all of the thoughts running through my mind. How could this be happening?

I’d thought that we would stay through the school year at least. I was halfway through seventh grade and then had to up and leave. This can’t be happening. Are we going to have to find a new home for Abbey? I can’t say goodbye to her. And Aubrey -- she has been my best friend for the last three years. I won’t have anyone if I have to leave her. I might not ever see her again. How am I going to tell her that we are moving? She will be heartbroken.

I wasn’t prepared for the battle that was to come. Moving is always stressful, but I can honestly say that moving overseas is double the stress. The military did the packing and loading into crates for us a few months before the actual move, so the four of us lived out of suitcases in an empty house. We slept on mattresses on the floor and used moving boxes as nightstands. We borrowed furniture from the base so we would have a table to eat dinner at and a couch to sit on.

In the few months leading up to the move, I was grateful for the time. I wasn’t ready to leave Aubrey. I was afraid I’d never have a friendship like ours. When I told her the news, she started crying. I felt so bad, but we both knew there was nothing that could be done about it. It was bound to happen sooner or later. We hung out every day and didn’t let the move affect our friendship. We promised each other that we’d FaceTime often and stay in touch.

We had to make sure Abbey’s shot records, vaccines, and paperwork were correct and up-to-date so she could fly. While Abbey had no idea what was going on in our lives and was happy as can be, I was nervous about her flying. Dogs can be traumatized and treated poorly. Abbey would be flying to Arizona a few days before we got to the U.S. because the weather conditions had to be just right. My aunt and uncle lived near the airport in Phoenix, and they agreed to pick her up and watch her until we arrived.

A week out from flying, the military came to collect the borrowed furniture because we moved to temporary lodging. Temporary lodging is housing on base that families can stay in when arriving on or leaving a base. We have had to stay at many bases’ lodging facilities, and they are always different -- from a house to a small hotel room. I despise staying in lodging for more than a few days. Sharing a bathroom and two rooms with four people and a dog is crammed, but at least it was only a week.

The time for goodbyes was coming. It started with Abbey. We were four days out from the flight and I couldn’t stop crying. I knew it would only be a few days, but I was worried. Abbey means everything to me and my family. She’s been by our side through all of this mess that is our lives.

The next few days were weird without Abbey. I missed her. She calmed my nerves about moving, but with her gone, I felt exposed. I had to feel all of my feelings.

The day before leaving, we set up a family meal with Aubrey’s family. This was the last time we saw each other for the foreseeable future. I knew it would be hard, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

Before we even made it to dinner, I was on the brink of tears. I knew the next days were going to be tough without my dog and best friend. At least I got to see my dog again when we got to the U.S. I was losing my best friend, possibly for good. We got to the restaurant and I gave Aubrey a big hug. She asked how I was doing and with a sad smile, I told her that I was struggling. I couldn’t lie to her; she could see it on my face. We were both devastated. It felt like we were losing a part of ourselves.

I finished my food and we talked for a while. When my dad let us know it was probably time to head out, Aubrey and I looked at each other, hugged, and broke out in tears. She gave me a letter and some little goodies for the flight. It only made me cry harder. I told her, “Thank you, love you, and I will miss you greatly.” She wished me luck and said she loved me too, then we went our separate ways.

My family and I woke up early the next day, gathered our things, and headed to the airport. We took our bags to get checked and grabbed some Starbucks for breakfast. It was an eleven-hour flight to California, so we bought snacks and drinks at the terminal. A couple hours after we arrived, they announced military boarding, and we got onto the plane. Before I knew it, I was being woken up by my mom. We had made it to California.

We stayed on the California coast for a couple nights, then we made our way to Arizona. We got to my aunt’s house in Phoenix after a long drive, and I was so excited to see Abbey again. I missed her crazy energy and playfulness. The next morning, we hit the road, heading off to our new home.

When we arrived in Tucson, we checked into temporary lodging on base. Instead of an apartment, it was a small duplex. It was our new home for the next couple of weeks. Abbey was excited seeing new places and getting to explore. We made some time to tour the new school my brother and I would be going to. It was spring break of 2020 and school had just paused for the break. I was nervous to go to a new school with new people.

My entire world changed that month. The COVID-19 pandemic shut down all schools. Social distancing, face masks, and quarantine were being enforced. Instead of starting at my new school, we went to school online. I wasn’t able to meet anyone or make any friends. We lived down the street from the neighborhood park, but no one was going out.

I spent most of my time in my room with Abbey. At least we had each other. I felt so alone and isolated during this time. I wished I had never left England. I could feel my mental health getting worse. My mom took me to the doctor, and I was diagnosed with anxiety, OCD, and depression. I had always been a happy person, so it didn’t make sense to me. It was like I was fighting an invisible war within myself. My brain had become a weapon, constantly fighting my heart. I wanted to be happy, but I couldn’t win.

Communication with Aubrey had faded after the first month of being away, so I really didn’t have anyone. My mom looked into therapy for me. Everyone who accepted our insurance was booked full, and the therapists on base were hard to get into. The end of seventh grade through the summer was filled with constant feelings of worry, insecurity, and worthlessness, like I was living in a hole with no way out. I wasn’t sure when it would get better, or if it would get better at all. We all hoped school would return in person for the next year.

Finally, we got the news that the schools would be back in person. I hoped it would bring me out of my darkness -- being around other people and socializing. I knew that I was strong and had made it this far. I wanted to get better. The stakes were high; it was my life on the line. But I was strong, I would win the battle.

I walked into the new school on the first day of eighth grade. That simple act was my declaration. I won the battles nobody knew I was fighting.