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I Wasn't Prepared

At the start of sophomore year, I was not prepared to miss the feeling of being the new kid.

That's what I had always been an exotic, new kid, something different. But now everyone knows I'm from Georgia. They've heard my accent and listened to all my dad's army stories. They've seen all my travel pictures. Now I feel like there is nothing that sets me apart. I'm not used to it yet; the stay-in-one-place-too-long itch is eating at me. Why didn't I get a warning about this? I wish someone had told me it would hit this hard.

This time, there are no clean slates. This isn't what I'm conditioned for. I'm ready for a new beginning. It was always easy to move on from things when I could change my entire environment. Growing up means growing apart, right? Well maybe not so literally anymore. I have to deal with everything people, places, and memories I want to move past. I can't just block, remove, and leave.

I will say the new lifestyle is rubbing off on me. It's nice to not have to worry about the struggles of PCSing, but there are also things my civilian friends won't truly understand. I feel like some sort of double agent, an imposter. How do I shake the guilt of craving a new beginning? How do I become content in my unchanging world? It's like I have one foot in two oceans, and I don't know which one is deeper - the one of my past or the one of my future. Which way am I supposed to swim?


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