Summer is a time almost everyone longs for unless you're a military kid. I still love the pool, ice cream shops, and movie theaters, but no summer is really the same. May, June, and July bring a somber feeling to my calendar, and a wave of seasonal depression comes over me when I realize school is coming to an end. Although kids around me erupt with joy for the break, I get horrible deja vu.
Every two years brought the same cycle of emotions. I could feel the orders before I see them. I heard my friends' tearful goodbyes before they came. I could smell the cardboard boxes and fresh paint before they arrived. Summer to me felt like a real-life Groundhog Day. Ironically though, no new station was ever the same.
This June was the two-year mark of retirement. It doesn't feel right to be here still. This pool is too small, these ice cream shops are too predictable, and this movie theater is too old, yet the routine is still the same. I keep waiting to wake up in that hotel room two towns over.
I have become a creature of habit. I feel guilty for being ready to pick up and leave, but I have always been conditioned to stay ready. It's almost unbelievable that the next time I'll hold moving boxes will be in my college dorm. It's so far away. Knowing that so many kids like me (possibly you reading this right now) are going through these motions that I'll never feel again is weird to comprehend. I imagine this is how high school seniors feel, being thrown out of a routine they've known their whole life.
What am I supposed to do now? This deja vu is hitting me harder than ever because there is no 'this time.' My cycle is broken, and I feel like a piece of me is too.